Every Little Flaw
(An OCD Personal Essay)
By Julia A. Keirns
There I go again, pushing the edges of the skin around my fingernails into my teeth and chomping down on every little flaw, biting and ripping at the skin until the flawed little piece is gone. Fingernail clippers and scissors are commonly found everywhere around my house. If I can clip the flawed piece of skin off, then I am not as tempted to bite at it and rip it off.
There I go again rubbing my sensitive fingertips across the skin on my outer arms or thighs noticing every tiny little bump and picking at them until they are gone, even if that leaves a new tear in the skin raw. Then a scab will form, and I will have to pick at that scab because my sensitive fingertips will feel the flaw and want it gone at any cost. I have the scars to prove it. Skin exfoliating scrubs and scrubber pads are my friend in the shower. The more I can keep my skin smooth, the better off I am and the less I have to pick at.
There I go again biting at my upper lip, lower lip, and entire inside of my mouth and cheeks noticing every tiny little imperfection and bump with my tongue and biting at it with my teeth until it tears off. Chapstick and lipstick are my friends because they keep the skin on my lips moister and smoother.
It’s called many things, but OCD is the most common. Skin-picking Disorder, also known as Excoriation Disorder is a form of mental illness that falls under the Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder category, because the person affected is obsessed with picking at their skin. They chronically have to pick or chew at every minor skin irregularity and flaw. This behavior is disrupting not only to the person affected, but to others around them. Believe me, I am very aware of other people noticing that I am chewing on my lip or chewing on my fingers or just picking at something. My husband is constantly telling me in public to stop chewing on my lip. I know others notice and trying hard not to perform the annoying action in public only makes the desire to do it worse and raises my anxiety level.
Another body-focused repetitive behavior that falls in the same category is nail-biting. I do not bite my nails, but I bite the skin all around my nails. I have even bitten the skin around my nails to the point of causing an infection. This required a doctor visit and an antibiotic. Skin-picking disorders can easily cause many infections. Our fingernails and fingers are not always clean and once the skin is broken, bacteria and viruses can easily enter the area and get into the bloodstream. Serious blood infections have even been caused this way.
It is caused by a nervousness I cannot explain. The doctors cannot really explain it either. It is a nervous habit I cannot seem to stop. It is like trying not to reach for that cigarette and it just drives you nuts until you can actually feel the inhale of the smoke in your lungs. Deep inhaling breath causing a relaxing feeling that only you can know and are unable to describe to anyone else. I just cannot relax until that little flaw is gone. Knowing it is there causes an anxiety that drives my thoughts to an insane point of having to remove it. It consumes my every thought.
OCD and Skin-picking are topics that do not seem to get talked about very often. So, let’s talk about it. Skin-picking is a body focused repetitive behavior that affects only 1.4% of American adults and is most common in women (Excoriation, 2020). There is no specific cause for the habit, but it seems to be common in people who have already been diagnosed with some other form of OCD. Symptoms include recurrent skin picking that results in skin lesions and repeated attempts to stop the behavior (Excoriation, 2020). The symptoms cause a significant distress or impairment to the patient and are not caused by any other substance or medical condition (Excoriation, 2020). Evidence suggests that medication and behavior therapy can both greatly improve the condition. I myself have had some success with SSRI medication (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) reducing the obsessive thoughts and the desire to pick.
I have always had symptoms of OCD ever since I can remember. When I was a child, a tornado in our small town left a lasting impression on me and I remember being alone in the bathroom as a little girl getting undressed to get in the tub of water for a bath. I would lay all of my stuff out on the bathroom floor around the room thinking to myself that it would help hold down the house should another tornado come along. I remember doing this for years, and always thinking about the stuff spread out on the floor. If too much of it was in one spot, I would want to spread it out and cover more of the floor to help hold down the house. Crazy right? I also, do not like odd numbers ending in 1, 3, 7 or 9. 5 is ok because you can count by fives. So, the television or the radio in my car will never be turned up to volume 11 for example. If my husband turns it up and it lands on one of those numbers 11, 13, 17 or 19, I have to fix it. He does not even notice that he does it because his mind is not focused on the numbers. When I reach over to change it, then he just looks at me and rolls his eyes.
My obsessive-compulsive disorders are mild when considering how bad some other people are. But the fact that they are mild, does not take away the disruption they cause in my life. OCD is real, and for those of us who experience different degrees of it, believe me, we know how annoying it is to you. It is annoying to us also.
My main suggestion is to find something that helps take your mind off of your habit. I got a puppy. He has been specially trained to sit by me and let me just rub and pick at him all the time. He loves to be touched. He has been a great addition to my life, and my husband’s life. He is now officially my Emotional Support Animal. He calms me down. He knows and can tell when I am nervous or anxious and he jumps right up and lays beside me and nudges at my hands to pet him and rub him. We all need something to take our minds off of our bad habits. Whatever works keep doing. Do not let the obsession rule your life to the point of not living. For those who do not have any form of OCD I would say, understand that we know, and we just cannot help it.
For more information on OCD please contact the Obsessive-Compulsive Foundation, and for more information on Skin-picking please contact the Picking Me Foundation or Skinpick.
References
Excoriation Disorder (Skin Picking or Dermatillomania). (2020). Mental Health America. Retrieved August 13, 2020, from https://www.mhanational.org/conditions/excoriation-disorder-skin-picking-or-dermatillomania