Blower-Uppers and Clammer-Uppers
By Julia A. Keirns
(This article was written and published at ChildrensMall.com in March, 2001)
Are you a blower-upper or a clammer-upper? Think about it while we discuss communication…
Communication is probably the most important tool we use on a daily basis with everyone we know. Whether we want to or not, we must communicate with parents, children, spouses, friends, enemies, co-workers, bosses, employees, customers, neighbors, and strangers. We have to communicate with people we like as well as people we dislike. We are required to communicate in so many different ways, on so many different levels, that problems will most definitely arise at some point. Yes, problems do arise, but they can be overcome by applying some simple basic rules of communication.
First of all, be honest. Honesty really is the best policy. When we lie to others, or when others lie to us, the lines of communication are cut. No longer can that person who lied be trusted. Lying damages relationships and reputations. It is a serious offense that generally carries heavy consequences with it. It is an offense that receives heavy discipline in our home. It comes with the understanding that first of all it is a sin against God, and second of all it is a sin against the person who was lied to. An apology is required and forgiveness must be sought. People do not trust liars. Only through honest, open communication can the desired results be achieved. So, don’t be a liar.
Another rule to remember is that non-verbal communication can be very misleading. People cannot read our thoughts any better than we can read theirs. We cannot possibly correctly interpret any one person’s facial expressions. Also, one person’s facial expressions will never mean the same thing as another person’s expressions. Talking and speaking plain words will accomplish the task much quicker, with less confusion. So use your words.
When talking and speaking, remember to use kind, soft-spoken words. We should never let our wrath, exasperation, fury, or indignation come out with angry, hateful words. I once heard someone say, “Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you’ll ever regret.” How true that is. Does anyone remember the childish motto, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never harm me?” Well, that saying just isn’t true. Words do hurt. They can cut so deep that the wounds may never heal. Just talk to any psychologist and they will confirm that.
The Bible says, “the tongue is a fire set on fire by hell itself.” Those are strong words. But, what can we do about it? Anger is such a strong emotion – one that is hard to control. Haven’t we all tried to communicate our anger and completely blown it? Well, there are a couple more communication rules we can remember that will help prevent our anger from building up and causing us to be blower-uppers.
Keep current. Don’t let a lot of little things build up. That is when we become known as clammer-uppers. Clammer-uppers keep it to themselves to the point where it all creates this great big wall, and we can’t even begin to chop it down to size anymore. Instead, it just becomes one huge obstacle blocking all communication. The best thing to do is deal with problems quickly. Deal with them one at a time as they come up. The tiniest little thing should be spoken out loud and discussed in a gentle way. We need to keep in mind that timing is everything. There is always a right time and a wrong time to discuss certain things. So be sure to pick your timing right.
We must always make sure we have all our facts straight too. We don’t want to react immediately to something in anger. We should never assume anything and should always ask questions. “Think before you speak,” rings true here. Gather all the facts first, ask a lot of questions, and then try to correctly decipher all the facts before confrontation. We need to make sure our attitude is right, and our reason for confrontation is worthy. Are we just trying to prove something?
Finally, make sure everyone has had ample enough time to cool down as well. And always use loving, kind words. If we follow these simple rules, we will find that keeping the lines of communication open will be much easier.
Okay, so we have seen that clamming up, keeping it inside, and letting it all build up leads to blowing up. Blowing up leads to mean, hateful words and lots of regret. So, now that we know this, what is the bottom line? Don’t be a clammer-upper or a blower-upper. Be a communicator instead.