A Control Freak at Heart
By Julia A. Keirns
(This article was published at ChildrensMall.com on February 3, 2001)
Becoming a Christian has been difficult for me. You see, I am a control freak at heart. It is just in my nature to always want to do everything myself so that I know it gets done right. Not only does it get done right, but then it also gets done exactly the way I want it done.
It was easy to be in control of everything before I became a Christian. Or so I thought. By easy, I mean, I had no problem telling people what to do and how to do it. I had no problem being bossy. The problem was when I couldn’t be in control. Like when I thought I had all the bills under control, and everything could be paid on time that week, but then two of the kids would get sick and need medicine, a tire would go flat on one of the vehicles, or maybe the hot water heater would go out and need two new elements. Well, there went a few hundred dollars or so of my bill paying money. Now what would I do?
That’s when I would stay up all night long worrying about how I was going to pay the bills or where I could get some extra money. You see, it was all up to me to figure it out and fix it, because I was the one in control.
No matter how hard we try in this world, whether Christian or not, we cannot be in control of everything all the time. I used to think I would love to be in control of the world. There would be no crime or evil, none of this and none of that, and well, you get the picture. But that would be bad because there would be no choices. My way would have to be the only way, and that wouldn’t be good for anyone but me.
One thing I have found since becoming a Christian is that now I don’t have to worry any more. At least not nearly as much as I used to. I have had more incidents where the kids needed medicine or something, and stuff has broken down more it seems in the last few years than ever before. Becoming a Christian didn’t take away any of the problems. In fact, sometimes it seems like they come in bundles now. But I sleep at night. I know that I cannot control those things anymore. I also know that I can’t control the outcome. I give it to God, and I go to sleep trusting Him to work it out. Sometimes I think He allows extra problems to come along my way just to see how I am doing and to teach me that it will be okay. He needs to bring me back around to giving the control to Him. Sometimes I wander off and get lost.
That is hard for me to do, but I am learning. I still struggle daily with controlling a lot of the little things around the house. We won’t go there, but just ask anyone in my family. I am still a control freak at heart but be patient – God is not done with me yet.